Dawn

memories

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:25:10 GMT

she used to put so much talcum powder on me I would practically choke on dusted air. we'd sit on the porch then in the evening and watch the night sky shine their starlight through the tree and they'd make huge shapes on the wall, talking shapes.

ryan was too young when everything happened and not the soft one, as she liked to call me. i was the soft one, so I could understand what it was all about. i could help somehow. just like i try and help others now, but i'm jus the shell for their bad feelings, not someone who can really fix something. i am just growing up to be a paid recipient of bad news. a smile with something to hide.

then there was the ski accident, she lost her short term memory, her head cut open on the icey rained over snow slope, i thought she was dead, but she just couldn't remember. i had to wait not knowing until the patrol came to pick her up. no she's not dead they said, and laughed at me for being a stupid kid. stupid.

that was the summer james went away to music camp in seattle, what a big summer that was for him, he learned how to really play bass. he was always so lucky.

ghosts

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:18:41 GMT

there's a ghost in this house I sware it.

never go back

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:17:34 GMT

i said i'd never go back and I won't. i won't. no matter what it takes.

hit

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:16:18 GMT

you ever been beat with a meat tenderizer? Not very fun.

housed

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:13:32 GMT

Fuck life. I didn't leave the house today. It doesn't matter though because nobody cares anyway. You live and then you die it seems. Any kind of stability you find is just a mirage, something to pass the time until someone pulls the rug out from under you, again.

D+

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:08:38 GMT

I guess I'm not too hot in Sociology I got a big fat D+ on the paper I wrote about Geisha in Kyoto. Perfect timing, right when I have to start working on these applications. Life has been such a struggle lately, it's like I'm faking it with myself to keep pretending everything is okay? I don't deserve all this hassle I need something to look up and soon. My Dad hasn't been talking to anyone for three days straight as well, he thinks there going to fire him because he's not as quick as this young kid they've got in there now. I can't imagine what it's like to be 55 and think about losing your work, but on the otherhand I'm really tired of not being able to talk to him. I need to talk to someone.

lesbian?

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:03:55 GMT

James came over last night we had a long talk about my sexuality. he seems to think I might be a lesbian because I like to ride a bike so much and go camping. He gets stupider by the day. C'mon now is that fair?

I told that guy Aaron at school about it and he said someone thought he was gay once so he punched a big hole in their mouth. I guess Aaron's a little more than just a smart guy, a little bit complicated.

days on end

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 02:00:05 GMT

derek james brother came into the library today, today i took an extra shift just to get out of the house and stop staring out the window and feeling sorry for myself... i was wearing that new wine colored dress I'd bought and he said I looked really good, although i could tell from his smile he seemed like he was making fun of me. today i did a double shift with this kid Aaron who's an anthropology major, we had a nice intelligent conversation about small town culture from an anthropomorphic perspective, it was good to talk to someone smart for a change. he said he was interested in my perspective because i always related cultural ideas back to an individual perspective, and he said he might want some of my insight on a new paper he's writing about the shriners in minnesota. that might be fun.

mac came back today all dusty and hungry with a rough cut round his neck, I'm really pissed. must have been someone tied him up somewhere, probably for eating their garbage or something. tomorrow I'm going to check around the houses in this vicinity see if i see any long rope lieing around.

james called again. stacey isn't anything serious. in fact it has been over for three months. oh okay so you were just cheating on me then when we were going out. great.

stacey

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:52:06 GMT

don't ever name your baby that you know they'll grow up to be a stupid whore!

no show

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:49:19 GMT

james didn't show up.... !

MAC

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:46:57 GMT

I can't find mac anywhere, I checked all over the trails, and biked into town, to the grocery store, anywhere I thought a stupid dog might go. mac has been upset with me because I'm never at home with the library keep calling me in for alternate shifts, and all the work I keep having to do for school. i wonder if this is his way of letting me know.

james is supposed to come over tomorrow, thursday, lets hope we don't relive what happened last time. :-)

thoughts and thinking

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:44:11 GMT

I can't seem to think straight this week, everything seems so overwhelming... my dad is worried about his job, james hasn't been over, ryan keeps telling veneral disease jokes to me which aren't even funny... i have to write another paper though this time i'm writing it on borderline personality disorder..

on my way

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:37:58 GMT

My teacher mr. cramer today said I'd make a good therapist when I got older because I'm really empathic and insightful. that was nice.

incentives

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:36:42 GMT

dad said today that if I keep up with the good grades, he'd be willing to fork over a good portion of money to help me pay for my living expenses when I get in to a real school. of course I'll still need a scholarship. I really want to go to Bennington College in Vermont it's pretty expensive.

chores

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:33:29 GMT

Ryan got out of the chores again today by claiming he had soccer practice to go to when I know he's just going out with his friends, but since he covered for me last weekend and didn't tell Dad I was out all night with James I had to do all the chores. Inside and out. Sometimes I wish Dad would treat me more like a girl and just make me do the inside chores.

busy day

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:31:10 GMT

nothing much happened today, james came by the library for lunch and we played the whose finger is this game? where i take one of his fingers and say its mine, and then he takes one of my fingers and says its his. i know pretty stupid.

the day we met

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 01:14:44 GMT

james and i have known eachother since we were in preschool. his dad is a dj at the classic rock seattle radio station so james was always a very cool kid by osmosis. he could understand music and name the names of every great rock guitarist at the age of five. and if you saw him round his house, he'd be wearing these huge headphones, of his dads, not plugged in or anything, just with the cord tucked in his pocket. james and my love affair has been off and on basicly since he tried to carry my library books from class in the 4th grade, of course I didn't let him, but it's the thought that counts. he's always been a real feeling person too, when other dudes were out hunting cats with BB guns, james was volunteering with his older brother phil at the local homeless shelter, course phil is now in the peace corps on a tiny island called Kiribas so the brotherly influence on james is left up to his selfish consumeristic womanizing brother derek. james takes after phil more though still. james mom and dad are divorced now, four years ago, and Rob, his dad, doesn't help out really with anything anymore, so James had to turn down USC music school for now, because his mom isn't the best real estate agent, or maybe she's just selfish. james has to go to community college like me. i think ever since that happened though james personality has changed, he's not this nice loving hopeful guy anymore, there's a bitter loud streak to him now, an angry look and talk when he's thinking about himself and also with other people.

part of me thinks our break up has to do more with whats happened to his future plans than with me being a prude.

the day james and i met we were on the playground, and as tiny tots are, we didn't have the best balance yet, so we bumped heads. we cried and cried, and i remember looking at his little red face all creased and crying, once we had both calmed down we became best friends, we were five then.

tonight i stopped by the record store and i was locking up my bike when i saw this girl inside the store sort of doing a dance in front of him, like showing him some steps, i thought that was kind of weird, but then he came out from behind the counter and grabbed her by the waist and spun her around. i unhooked my bike and came back home. i don't know what to do.

moondance

Sun, 03 Dec 2000 00:28:03 GMT

Today I got called in to work at the library because the Missy the other assistant has a bad case of the stomach flu, or that's what she said she probably was just real hungover from what I've seen of her. So anyway it was a long day, I don't like to work on weekends there because all the students are in there on sunday cramming for some exam or another, asking me to help them with the microfiches because they have no clue how to I don't know, realize that the periodicals first letter is what they should be looking up first in the file we keep out front, so they just come up to me and are like "I'm looking for this thing on the civil war for this week mr. meyers class,,, do you know what that is?" Ah, no. I don't take that class. Anyway, so then I get a call at the front desk, so I have to run out there because I'm not supposed to leave the materials alone in case someone tries to steal them. Why anyone would steal microfiche I haven't the faintest clue but there's a big laminated sign behind the counter DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED so I don't usually, and of course it's James feeling lonely on a sunday.

So we meet after I get off, its getting cold, so I don't like having to bike so much at night, because its even colder then, and I still haven't got a winter coat, and my windbreaker feels like nothing on me. But I bike to Deja Vu Cafe, this little place we've always hung out and we both get coffees and I get a spinach and egg quiche which is all stale, but I'm hungry.

James is a beautiful boy I must say not in a conventional way but he's got long red hair that he wears back in a ponytail, in fact he takes better care of his hair than I do, he's sort of fussy about it likea girl would be, and that's something I always liked about him, made him special. Tonight he was wearing this nice aqua colored cotton knit sweater which really brought out the red in his hair, his freckles, and is soft pink lips. And I actually found myself missing being close to him, so maybe I'm less of a loner than I thought.

We talked about his work. that day ricky made him an assistant manager which basicly means he got a little bit more money, so he was happy about that although he'll have to work more hours. he said though that it was enough money for him to start thinking about getting his own apartment in town. he said he wanted to live in town now because he was tired of living away from all his friends. what friends are those? i asked him, and he said the ones that come by the store. well i hadn't been to the store in a while but I did notice a couple of nerdy death metal types, plus some stringy-haired black wearing 14 year old girls, who drank forties out back, and just seemed to hang around the shopping center for no good reason.

james eemed to be wanting to tell me something that he wasn't quite saying. i thought it might be that he wanted me to live with him, but i wasn't sure. we kissed though before it got to be too late, and i could taste the coffee on his lips. We're going to talk again later.

letter from mom

Sat, 02 Dec 2000 23:58:31 GMT

Well I finally got a letter from my mom. A nice one. I haven't mentioned it before because it's really private but my mom is in jail. My last recollection of her before she went in five years ago, was her running into the woods behind our house in her torn up plaid flannel bathrobe, barefooted, as the cops gave her chase. When they dragged her back, i saw her feet kicking as they put her in the car, they were all torn up with wet leaves stuck to them. I sort of felt outside myself watching her go in that car, like she was someone else's mom, and that feeling hasn't altogether gone away. She wasn't such a together lady, let's just say. I'm glad she isn't reading this thing though anymore so I can talk about this stuff. She got her internet access cut off Sheryl said because she keeps downloading porn.

A lot of things happened between her and me that I haven't really talked about to anyone. And she and i don't talk, well she doesn't really talk, and when she does she yells, and it doesn't make any sense. So it was weird to get a nice normal letter from her, almost makes me more nervous than some kind of threatening letter. Its just real different.

Dear Dawn,

Your Daddy came to see me two weeks ago and we had a good talk. I know that may suprise you but we did. He talked a little about you and how you are such a good student, which of course is just wonderful since you will probably end up being the one to pay for any rehabilitation I need. I'm just kidding, girl. He said he was worried though that you've started to behave like a boy, running around in the woods, and not taking care of your appearance, and just generally being sort of rough around the edges. Well, this reminded me in fact of what I was like at your age. Becoming a woman can be a real tough road, especially for women who have strong minds and spirits, but there's no reason I think to act like a boy because then you aren't really getting to know the woman inside of you. I didn't realize that until I was much older, but I think it can serve you now to know that there's nothing wrong with being a woman. Just don't let them boss you around, is all. I hope you are doing all right, daughter. I do think of you, and am sorry for our past.

Mom

I could tell you what happened between her and me but right now I'm feeling sort of confused by it. I'm happy she cares I suppose, but I hope to hell this isn't some attempt at a good parole or something.

highly sensitive people

Sat, 02 Dec 2000 23:37:00 GMT

okay so i may have talked a little bit about how I'm kind of shy, well this week it seems to have gotten a lot worse, probably because james is avoiding me and because maybe at heart i don't really want to tlak to anyone at all and would rather just hang out in the woods. james and i did speak on the phone last night, he was a little, what would you call it, monosylabbic, then his mom started screaming and he had to get off. then he didnt call me back. but anyway so i'm feeling a little out of it, and then on top of that in class we're discussing this new pschological type, sort of like chronic fatigue and all those sort of not real problems but are real problems diagnosis, this one is called just plain "Highly Sensitive People" supposedly 20% off the world falls under this category. They are called HSPs for short and the idea is that they process information differenlty than normal people, "more deeply." So that isn't always a bad thing they make good listeners, and they tend to understand feelings a lot better, information that comes into them and stuff. They have really sensitive nervous systems though because of this and just can't take too much stimulus, it drains them, so like a car honking will like, make them more crazy than other people, they get highly aroused, like off the charts by tings that might just be a nuisance to normal people. So anyway, their sensitive, right? So what? Well I'm a little worried I am one. I mean I can't stand trafic noise, or malls like I said, I get annoyed when I'm hungry, or when my pants are too tight. I think it's called a general fuss-bugget. I mean, I know I am one. It's not that that I'm worried about, but I hope that sensitivity doesn't make me shy forever, I mean, I want to become self-actualized and then do good work, talk to people, and if I'm this way I don't know if I'll have the nerve to talk to people, and just deal with stuff.

I don't know though, the problem with all these psychology classes is that whenever I read the definition of a prognosis or condition I automatically think it's something I have. Now, I do a lot of this kind of reading, and that's a lot to be thinking I've got wrong with me. You know people say shrinks are crazy, well if they are, maybe they are because there reading this stuff all the time, things that are wrong with people. I like reading it but sometimes I think I'd rather spend my time baking chocolate chip cookies or something. Maybe I can become a therapeutic chef.

mazlov's triangle

Sat, 02 Dec 2000 07:32:54 GMT

This week in psych we learned about Mazlov's Triangle-- the idea being that a human being needs to get the basics first: food, and a roof over there head before they can even start to think about those other more non-specific things like love, frienship, and spirituality. In Mazlov's Triangle the thing you really want to reach is self-actualization, that's a place that is at pure peace in your mind and in your deeds, where you are YOU through and through. I tend to agree with this triangle. There's a couple of homeless looking dudes who hang out outside the Safeway in town, and sometimes if you go there on like a wrong night they'll be out there cussing and screaming at eachother. Well, it looks to me like they're hungry. How can they be all friendly and neighborly when they don't have anything to eat? Or a place to live!

I think I'm sort of in the middle of the triangle, like i'm always looking for peace of mind, that self-actualization thing, but I'm never quite there except for maybe five or ten minutes at a time. Or hell, maybe I'm not there at all and there's a place i don't even know anything about that is beautiful and is miles of smiles... I'd like to make it my goal to reach that self actualized place though, see it for myself. In Zen Buddism you start by getting rid of all your earthly goods and unecessary ties.. Well i'm on the road to that with Ryan always stealing my cds and James not talking to me I guess.

I knew this kid in highschool who I always wanted to know better, who seemed to get that place kind of early, he was sort of a loner and prone to just sort of standing back, but not in a weird way, sort of in a comfortable way, like it made him see things better. Then one summer he took a trip by himself into the woods, for the whole summer. There's a trail back there you can take, where you never have to get off for anything civilized, well, there are maybe a few food and materials stores along the way to store up on food, but for the most part you eat practically nothing, and live on nothing, and see no one... and just hike up through that path deep in the woods with your map, and supposedly when you come out the other end you're supposed to have found something like inside yourself. Most people can't make the trip even so it's real hard. Well he went on it the year we were 17 and no one ever saw him again. But I have a feeling he's just fine. Most people thought he got eaten or something.. Who knows maybe he hiked his way to Alaska and made himself a little Eskimo family. I hope he's happy, but I sort of regret not having known him so well, the older I get the more I feel I would have had things to talk about with someone like that.

Well, if things continue to be a desert in my life, with practically no friends and no boyfriend, and no reply back from my transfer applications, maybe i'll hike that trail myself and find what it is i think I'm needing. Right now though I'm tired, and have to do some homework.

p.s. when i was looking up info on the internet about the triangle i found this site!! Crazy!

all is fair in love and war

Sat, 02 Dec 2000 07:05:38 GMT

well i was a little kooky with that last entry, its a bit embarrassing i even posted it. just trying to be honest, maybe someone else has felt all annoyed and bothered by their boyfriend. hmmn. well, james isn't speaking to me. the next day friday i've got no classes, but i do have work, so every five minutes i'm calling james on the phone in the back and ricky the guy who owns the store is like "sorry james is unavaiable for comment." fucking jerk. i wonder what the hell james told him for him to talk to me with no respect whatsoever. so anyway, i bike over to his house once i get off work at like 4 oclock i know he gets off at like three so i should be able to catch him, so i'm huffing and puffing up canoan lane the windy one practically all the way up the side of the mountain and, i nearly get run over by james brother's truck careening down right in front of me. i don't see whose inside, so i keep going and then i find out it was james! his mom who was like a beauty queen when she was younger and now is a tired out angry type of person who works real estate in town and pretends she lives in some upper class way and never really liked me because i don't know lipstick from chapstick tells me james has gone camping for the weekend with his brother. sorry.

so i guess that's it or something. i can't quite believe it, i mean, it's not like i hadn't gotten all weird on him about getting sexed up before. the least he could do is talk to me about it i think. we've been dating for like 4 years.

so saturday i decide i need a rest from all this thinking, and i don't have that much work this weekend, so i go out into the hills, theres this one spot i particularly like were a couple of trees have fallen over and they make a little tree cave on the forest floor. i make some tuna salad and i pack my sak and go up there to camp. it was real cold out, like foot numbing, but i had a blanket and i brought my books. after a couple of hours i got to that place i like to be inside my head. the fresh air rushing through my nostrils like its cleaning my head right out. theres some deers up there and they don't mind me really so sometimes i can watch them. thing about animals like that is they let you be, humans should take a lesson. i played the throw stick game a bit, where i lie on the floorbed of the forest and throw a stick in the air over and over, its very meditative, in fact american indians have a similar ritual. i watch the stick go up and i watch it go down, and i keep a rhythmn with it.

i feel a lot better now and reasonably reconciled for what may come.

a little love and affection, so what?

Sat, 02 Dec 2000 05:20:09 GMT

okay so i think there might be something weird about me, but i'm not sure. lately, every thursday afternoon after my cog sci class is when james and i have a couple hours at my house alone.

so he comes by when he's done at the record store and usually i make us some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and then we hang out watching some t.v. on the couch, and always, then he starts rubbing on me so we go and be in my room. we used to have more time together in the summer but now it seems like we only have this one day, and for some reason this makes james act even more horny than he did before. now, just so you know, i'm pretty much a virgin. okay its out. :-) so anyway, lately he hasn't been too satisfied with that, and so he's all over me telling me how gorgeous i am and shit, and today it was like he had a fire under him the way he was pressing on me, and i just started to feel real weird about it. he's like on top of me and I'm looking up at him and he's all red-faces and intent and i start getting all shaky and my throat tightens up so I feel like i can't breath, so i move away from him a bit, and start trying to get my face out into some air, and so then he starts kissing my neck, and then, i sware, he bit me! so i started freaking out and i grabbed my school binder which is laying next to us on the bed, and i start thwacking him with it. he gets up all confused and hurt and starts yelling i'm a freak and that he should've known not to get involved with someone like me, and then he leaves.

but i dont even care about that. i'm just glad he's gone. problem is i feel all unresolved feeling, and i look at myself in the mirror with my shirt hanging open, and my hair all over the place like some crazy woman, and then i go, and get this, throw up in the bathroom. so because of that i'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. or else i've got morning sickness and i'm some pregnant virgin!

the mind is a strange thing, the way it has so many layers, at times like that when james and i are making out, i just don't feel like myself, i know that, but i just don't know what it is i am feeling, just that i don't like it so much. i've been under a lot of pressure lately trying to get good grades so i can leave this stupid community college and get someplace respectable so that might be part of it...

all i know right now i'm drinking some tea in my cozy flannel floral nightgown, underneath my soft grandma's quilt after my shower, with my pulse slow, and i feel just fine. and i'm not really looking forward to seeing that james. sometimes men seem like wolves, like some kind of other creature.

mall hell

Sat, 02 Dec 2000 05:01:32 GMT

i went to the mall today after class. dad stayed home from work today because his bad knee has been giving him trouble again, i told him to see the doctor but as usual he said just a little relaxation would help. so i'm at the mall and i run into this girl i knew in highschool and she's about eight months pregnant. now i don't know about you but me in these kinds of situation well, i just don't know what to say. i mean she wasn't the sort of girl who i think is married or something now so who's to say how the hell she got like that. so i just ask her how she is and she starts telling me how she can't find a job on account for she's so pregnant and stuff and i say yeah it's hard especially when you haven't got so many skills. well that was the wrong thing to say because she starts talking about me then and how i probably have no problem for the fact that i always tried to do well in school. and i just say yeah... and then she starts talking aobut this time in school when i was on teen jeopardy and how i lost and then i still wore the cap they gave me, and then it's like she's laughing at me for being a dork or something. so i laugh too because i'm not going to fight this girl being the fact that she's so damn pregnant. anyway so that was that. then i went to the gap and tried to find some things that fit me okay. i really hate shopping though, especially the kind of people that work at malls. they all just seem so mean and catty like i know there saying something about my big behind. it's not that i'm fat or anything, my boyfriend james calls me volumptous, and i'm blonde so i'm sort of like a big marilyn monroe type, cept my hairs long and straight, and i usually wear it in two braids. so anyway, fact is they probably weren't saying anything about me, but i find shopping hi stress just for the fact that they've got all those mirrors, and i'm wondering whether they've got security guards behind them, that they're that two-way type, as i'm yanking these slim fit jeans over my big butt, and of course i'm wearing my all faded cotton briefs which aren't the kind of thing i should be wearing when i'm shopping, but as usual i forget that til i'm there in the bright fluerescant lit dressing room, yanking clothes around. anyway, so i got a couple of things. i've only got $85 saved, so i got some new jeans my others are all raggedy on the knees which is fine for when i'm hiking and shit, but not so good to school. but then i saw this nice burgundy reddish colored dress on the sale rack and it sort of covered my curves but was also sort of pretty so i got that too, plus some socks and some flannels and stuff. so all in all i got what i wanted. which is good.

right now i'm so tired though, makes me think when i grow up i'll have to work in someplace real far away from the town center or something, all that hustle and bustle really drains me of my energy. i'm just not into it or something, i mean, i've always been a bit shy. or as my dad calls it reserved, which i think is a better way to say it.

feeling better

Fri, 01 Dec 2000 20:50:47 GMT

Feeling much better now that the week has started and I can keep busy more. Turns out our deadline got extended for the paper we had to write so I was able to put something together on monday night. I decided to change the topic to something a little more upbeat although still a troubling social issue for women, the role of geisha in japanese society. I was basicly interested in how a tradition like that could come about, where women are basically paid to be party girls there whole life. I discussed how that might have been bad for some girl's not interested in that lifestyle, but i also pointed to the fact that it seemed some geisha blossomed in that type of role, using their sexulaity as a power and living a life of arts and culture. In some ways the system of the geisha was much more respectful of sexual women because it afforded them a good lifestyle and security, whereas the streetwalkers down in Seattle or wherever, are really punished for that kind of sexual lifestyle. Don't get me wrong though I wouldn't want to be a geisha, at least I don't think so, anyway I don't really have the figure.